I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
