Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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