I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
