saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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