also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
