It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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