I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
