I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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