the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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