Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
