You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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