i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
