Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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