never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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