Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
