we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
