These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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