Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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