Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
