In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
