Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
