oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
