Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
