I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
