I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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