we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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