Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
