I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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