I can tuck mytits in my pants
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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