i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
