I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
