I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
