Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
