she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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