My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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