We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
