the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
