I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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