I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
