I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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