from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Randomize
