why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
