The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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