Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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