oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
