woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
