i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
