He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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