Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
