My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
