atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
